Monday, May 27, 2013

The Quest for Celtronica: Falling Apart

Or “Burn it. Burn it all.”

So… I feel a little sheepish.

I promised everyone fresh, new music a long time ago. I promised it would be shined up and ready to introduce to your parents in March. And now it’s May. Well, practically June. That’s a lag, and a fairly significant one at that. I owe all of you an explanation, and I owe you all a huge thank you.

You guys, the fans, are the only reason I even need to be here baring my neurotic, weird soul. You buy stuff, you like stuff, you read stuff, you share stuff with your friends, all that kind of thing. You’ve stuck with me, liked posts, shared things and just generally been awesome. So THANK YOU. Keep it up. I really do have big ideas.

So much has happened in the last six months. Everything has changed. None of it has been easy, much of it has been uncomfortable, some of it has been fun, and all of it has been necessary.

Change is never easy, and it is almost never welcomed. Sometimes it comes of its own accord, sometimes you have to light the kindling yourself. Sometimes change just moves in, eats all your leftover pizza, leaves the toilet seat up, uses your toothbrush, and scares your cats.

I had to. I had to start a fire. And not just any fire. I started a fire to rival 1871 in Chicago. (Did I impress you with that? Come on, you know I did. ) In fact, I burned my entire life to the ground. I reevaluated everything that was important to me. Relationships, work, music, friendships, lifestyle, long term goals, my mental health (questionable though it may be), my physical health,  possessions, bucket list, tattoos, cats, family, beverage choices, this lamp, this paddle ball game, everything. It felt like the furniture of my life didn’t fit me anymore, didn’t fit who I am as a person, and I needed to rearrange some things. Well, everything really. I had to trash some stuff. Re-stuff and re-cover others… Too much with the metaphor? Probably.

Okay, but back to my story.

I’m sure all of you know me know that I was married for quite some time. Yes, you read that right: “was.” Past-tense. Sadly, achingly, heartbreakingly for me, my marriage came to an end. To add complication to discomfort, I married (and divorced) my producer, who also happened to be my best friend. I can hear the collective, painful empathy sounds now. Anyhow, at present, we are both taking time to sort through our respective lives, rediscover ourselves, and to figure out how to be true to who we are and what we want and need. We plan to continue working together; the dissolution of the marriage has presented innumerable difficulties that can only be sorted out with time and space. We both need time to heal. Time will tell if we will be able to maintain a healthy, positive working relationship, but both of us place too much stock in our accomplishments and our music thus far, and we value each other as partners.

So, yeah. That’s the big reason I you don’t have a steamy new record to listen to, gorgeous new artwork to drool over, and a show schedule to import into your Outlook calendar. Actually, it’s pretty much the only reason. I mean, there’s been lots of life things going on like a new job (that I’m so fortunate to love) with LOTS AND LOTS of responsibility. But everything else is pretty normal and wouldn’t normally impact the ebb and flow of making a record.

In all honesty, this one reason has impacted me in a huge variety of ways of all shapes and sizes, and you guys probably aren’t all that interested in them. Actually, I know you’re not, so I won’t elaborate.

I will say that some days I am overcome with grief and anger, others I am filled with joy and hope, and still others find me questioning every decision I have ever and might ever make (I don’t recommend having to go through that last one – it’s crazymaking). But most days I am as I have always been; I am sure of myself. I seek my own way, my own happiness, a way to leave my mark, and I look for ways to make this insane world we live in a better place.

As Marilyn Monroe said, “Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.” 

I believe that.

I’m certainly not done. Neither of us is tapping out. And it’s still 2013B, so stay with me. Keep liking and sharing and making your friends like and share. Threaten, cajole, bribe, whatever. I’ve got bail money. And may the Force be with you. It’s certainly been with me because I now have TWO MORE independent music awards for my shelf. And it’s still because of you guys, the people who listen and keep in touch and who keep supporting me.

I am so thankful for everything in my life, all the good and the bad, the big blessings and the small ones, and especially the ones I don’t notice at all.

Much love and many steamy thank yous,